Moments I Will Never Live Down and the List My Sister Made Me.

No mater how hard I try no one will ever let me forget the awkward things I've done in the past. But my sister does feel the need to take precautions for the future. She is literally making me a list of things I should not do in public. Most of the things that are on this list I've actually done in the past. It's pretty embarrassing. Now I'm completely unsure as to if I should be offended by this so called list, or if I should embrace it and try to let the list help me. Wait a second, who am I kidding? of course I'm going to be offended! God! Am I the only person who finds my awkwardness charming? It's like it's my schtick right? No? Fine. Anyway, heres the list of things not to talk about in public:
1. When your mom has her period
2. How awkward the situation you are in is
3. Any of your friends being secretly in love with each other
4. Don't make obscure Doctor Who references when no one around is a wholigan
5. Don't repeat what people say in song
6. Don't make fun of reading rainbow
7. Don't ever say you hate a name
8. Don't accidentally confuse the movie repo man with the movie repo men
9. Don't use common names in creating example stories
10. Don't say I'm in lesbians with you. (Although you know it's a Scott Pilgrim reference the rest of the world won't)
11. Don't ever refer to the F word as the Fuck word
12. Don't have a conversation that just revolves around museums, it is likely the other person is uninterested.
13. Don't talk about all the things you've had to eat that day
14. Don't start raving about how awesome and cute your English teacher is
15. Avoid car rides with people over 50
16. Don't stare at girls with worded shirts when the writing is on the boobs
17. No talking about underwear in general
18. Don't say anything about not showering
19. Don't bring up anything illegal you've done
20. Beware slips of the tongue, especially with names.
21. Don't put yourself in hypothetical lesbian relationships unless you are a lesbian.
22. Don't ever call a girl average-looking. (Inspired by Curtis-I am not that mean!)
23. When asked whether you play any sports, don't say "Does eating count?"
24. Do all you can to avoid slow dancing with your grandfather.
25. When someone jokingly says "Slap him!" Don't actually slap him full on in the face leaving a movie-esque depiction of a red handprint.

My name is Katie Burke and I am Socially Awkward!

I'm really awkward. The sad thing is people have actually made a point to make sure I know this. And frankly I don't mind at all as long as I know you. If we've only said a few words to one another, I don't appreciate you pointing it out. I was once at the movies and the guy I was buying popcorn from told me this. The really sad thing is that it wasn't just once. Yes, my beloved readers, I have been told by two separate popcorn guys on two different occasions that I am a very awkward person. On the other hand I once actually created a line at Hot Topic because the cashier and I were having a conversation about how awesome the Harry Potter shirt I was buying was. And on four awesome occasions the cashiers at bookmans gave me 20% because of what I was buying (okay once it was because I had pink hair.) Anyway I just want to make a point of saying, that it is these people who define the world. And it is these people who will actually make a difference and an impact on humanity. Little by little they are saving awkward people from me becoming Hermits. And maybe, eventually with enough of their help, I will develop enough euphoria and a high enough self-esteem to actually do a vlog post. So, to those nerds in the world who are helping me to not stay at home watching Farscape reruns all day, I propose a toast. And to those douches who insist on calling me socially awkward, well you guys can suck it.

Counting Shoulders. And Other Things That Make Dating Awkward.

One time, during a rousing game of apples to apples, my friend Arri got the adjective awkward. Less than a second after hearing the adjective, I quickly put down the word dating. I was sure I had this round in my pocket, but it became apparent that other people do not have as negative looks on dating as I do, when he instead chose family reunions. I have now decided to try and convince the world (or at least the six people who read this blog) that dating is the epitome of awkward. I'm all for feminism and all, but I will never ask someone out. I mean, I totally respect people with the courage to stand up and confess there love on a whim of romantic grace, but I have a rule that you can only do it under three circumstances. Number one: anything involving something similar to the bang bang kiss kiss theory (see bang bang kiss kiss, but not for long because it will end in a major letdown). Number two: if you are 99.2% sure the person likes you back, then it's okay, but anything less and you are risking too much humiliation and awkwardness. Number three: If you are in a situation where if the person does say no, it won't make things any more awkward (this never happens!). Another awkward thing about dating is if said person does say yes, what do you then proceed to do, and when is it appropriate to make it facebook official? I am very confused by the whole facebook thing. Someone once told me that "it's not official until it's facebook official" but what does official even mean? Can I be in a facebook official relationship with my dog? And what if one person thinks it's official, but the other one doesn't. That would be awkward. Also, it's almost as if you're flaunting it in other peoples faces. Oh you're engaged? See if I care I'm not going to your wedding. I'm so confused! My head hurts. My personal favorite awkward thing about dating is the move. Yes, you know the classic one where someone pretends to be tired and slowly yawns there way into putting there arm around the other person. With help from my sister, and my friend Sophie, we have come up with our own variations on the move. First of all, you can make it really nerdy by saying, "My ATP levels are deficient." Or you could go for one we like to call The Marty McFly, which can be obtained in just two simple steps! Step one: look surprised by something over by where your date is sitting. Step two: Simultaneously say, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" and point. And there you have it you're arm ends up right where it should be. My personal favorite is called the, "Let's count shoulders!" It's very straight forward, all you have to do is touch each shoulder while you're counting it, and would you look at that? You end up as close as you've always dreamed! A family favorite is the rainbow. All you have to do to achieve this seemingly effortless move is to move your arm in an arch till it reaches the goal, while saying, "Look! I'm a RAINBOW!" The aftermath of dating of course is probably the worst part. I mean you hopefully like this person enough to still be friends afterward, but either way it's immensely awkward. Maybe I only think dating is awkward because i'm socially inept. That's usually the answer to why I do and think a lot of things. I still can't help feeling very much like Charlie Mcdonnel in his "Understanding Teenage Girls" vlogpost. I just don't understand dating! It confuses me! Anyway, if you come up with you're own rendition of the move, you could win a secret prize! (OMG!!!! I HOPE IT'S A PONY!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Love & Onions (Blog Post For Alina).

Love is like an onion.
It has many layers that you slowly begin to unravel,
as you get to know someone
but once you find the middle,
all there is left are tears and the kitchen floor.
Love seems complex, love seems layered
not twisted, like it has a center filled with euphoria,
but it's empty; layers upon layers
concealing the nothing it really is.
Love is crunchy, bitter and hard to swallow.
Love needs to be cooked right.
You can't let it sit, waiting for someone else's turn
or else it will spoil, the moment and flavor lost forever.
Love is like an onion,
we wish it were something better.

27 Ways in Which I'm Nerdier then Charlie McDonnel.

If you're a charlieissocoollike fan, you've probably seen his new video about how nerdy he is. I would like to protest that I am in fact much nerdier than Charlie McDonnel, for the following reasons:
1. I'm so socially awkward that I can't even vlog. It's too embarrassing. When I'm blogging, no one can see me! Cause I'm attractively deprived. Also, I could be wearing my sister's Lady Gaga Halloween costume and you wouldn't know.
2. I have way more nerdy t shirts then he does. He had like 5, I have at least 15. I'm serious, all I wear are Jeans, converse, and nerdy T-shirts.
3. I own every season of BtVS, Angel, Smallville, and Doctor Who (the new series). And quote them all regularly.
4. Due to number 3 people often give me looks that express complete and utter "WTF?"
5. I have written a fanfic. You will never get to read it. EVER.
6. I sing in public, as if life is a musical. I'm the person who people try to avoid on the bus.
7. I often randomly burst into laughter when I think about something funny.
8. I have 13 the musical on my ipod ( or is that more dorky?)
9. My sister and I regularly have debates over weather David Tennant or Matt Smith is cooler.
10. I listen to random british pop music, that I have literally killed a party with.
11. My blog is called finding Serenity In Constant Euphemisms (If that's not nerdy, I don't know what is)
12. I attend Can't Stop the Serenity every year. And I dress up.
13. My friend and I once randomly decided to dress up as Dr. Horrible and Captain Hammer.
14. I have already purchased my XD tickets for Harry Potter on opening night.
15. I'm going as Chloe Sullivan for Halloween this year.
16. I have star wars pancake molds.
17. I have both AVPM and AVPS on my ipod.
18. I have a ridiculous attachment to Michael Cera. I'm going to marry him someday! Despite what Susie says!
19. I'm in AP Calculus. Not to mention I'm on my school's Academic Decathlon Team.
20. I once pulled an all-nighter watching the entire first season of Torchwood.
21. My ipod case has Darth Vader on it and my phone background is from Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.
22. I have a drawer in my room that has the sole purpose of storing comics, which all have protective coverings.
23. The people at Bookmans have given me discounts for being awesome.
24. Unlike Charlie McDonnel, I am not famous. I do this for fun.
25. I've died my hair pink.
26. I have this reoccurring dream where I'm married to Joss Whedon and I ruin dinner.
27. I am actually making a list of the ways I am nerdier than Charlie McDonnel.

Closing Time and Getting Shived.

After a week filled with very drama related things, I have realized how much I completely adore almost anything and anyone involved in theater. I love the dressing room on opening night, where everyone is too engaged in their frantic search for that missing earring to care what you look like with your shirt off. I love the swapped secrets and dressing room talk during dress rehearsal. I love screaming I'M FIRED UP! ARE YOU FIRED UP? during warmups. I love the moment before you enter, while you're waiting backstage where the world seems to slow down, and you know for a second that no matter what it's going to be awesome. I love the feeling that I'm a part of something awesome. I love that everything comes together and a group of very different people can create something amazing. I love the people. I love how understanding, and not judgmental everyone is. I know it's cheese, but i love the saying there are no small parts, only small actors. If you want it to work right in the end, you're a family and every part is vitally important to the show. I love how crazy excited everyone gets. I love closing time and getting shived.

Everybody Loves Ke$ha.

Is it weird that I kind of love Ke$ha? That was a rhetorical question. In my defense, her songs are really catchy. Sure she uses auto tune, but it's for effect and she obviously has to be a good singer. I mean anyone who was a background singer for Britney Spears has to be a good singer. And did you know she got a 1500 on the SAT, and has an IQ of over 140? And at least she writes all her own music. Plus, anyone who's trying to make blue lips a thing deserves some serious admiration. I feel so good now that I've finally come clean. My name is Katie, and I think Ke$ha is really cool! I feel so much better now. Don't even get me started on how awesome Lady Gaga is.

Top 5 Ways to "Cuss" on Television.

5. In the most recent episode 30 Rock a construction worker cusses at Liz, but a Jackhammer goes off every time something bad is said. It's a little cartoonish, but I still laughed.

4. Ted, in How I Met Your Mother, calls Lily a "grinch". Of course Lily gets mad and steals all the Christmas decorations making it all very appropriate.

3. If you're going for something a little more sophisticated, as apposed to slapstick, you could try inventing your own cuss word. Now, I think this is a great idea, but wouldn't it be cooler if they went for something a little less similar then Frak? I think people in the future will prefer something more like, "Oh, Sliitushpatob!"

2. If you have a great cast that's willing to memorize foreign words you could always try cussing in a different language. Firefly does this brilliantly. It somehow just slides into the whole cowboys in space theme without much questioning.

1. And the number one way to get away with cussing on television is...
killing the character off before they finish talking. Joss Whedon, who is the master at this (he also did Firefly), sends Willows vampire doppelganger, back to the alternate universe only to be killed off within seconds, leaving her last word and a half "Oh Fu", because she's staked by Oz before she can finish. I guess that would be the big problem with "Oh Sliitushpatob", you wouldn't get very far.

The worst part of being sick.

I hate being sick. It's immensely boring, so boring that I end up spoiling something for myself via the internet. That's definitely the worst part of being sick. I mean, I love the internet way more than the average person, and I am way too attached to it, but sometimes it can really be a bitch. Just because I want to know what's going to happen next on How I Met Your Mother, doesn't mean I really want to know. It's worse with shows you're watching after they've already aired. In 2 seconds you already have zillions of forums discussing events that you haven't seen yet. That's why my Lost stage was so very, very short. Sometimes, if you're lucky, spoiling something just makes it even more intriguing. But since the writers hate me (as stated in, Bang Bang Kiss Kiss but Not For Long because it will end in a Major Letdown), most of the time I just end up regretting watching that fan-vid and cursing the internet instead of my own stupidity. Still, occasionally you miss-interpret the information and end up surprised anyway. Or maybe the worst part of being sick is that my judgement gets way off. I love terrible Sarah Michelle Gellar movies about magic food, or end up crying during Never Been Kissed. But sometimes, something even worse happens and you end up watching an I Didn't Know I was Pregnant marathon until you end up huddled in the corner of the couch, peeking through your hands as the humongous, screaming women bores two squirmy purply things. Birth is gross. But then again maybe it's the fact that I'm out of orange juice.

Sleepers

I hate falling asleep during movies. It's so pointless. It's okay to fall asleep if you've seen the movie before, but there are certain movies I can never seem to stay awake through. I call these movies "Sleepers." I'll use it in a sentence too: "Oh man! I watched this sleeper last night and fell asleep at about 11, I felt so lame." Many people disagree with me when I say that Guys and Dolls is a sleeper, but I've attempted to watch it like 5 times and I've only gotten as far as "A Person Could Develop a Cold." Many people really really disagree with me when I say that Alien is a sleeper, but the first 20 minutes are the longest 20 minutes ever. I was like "Please is someone gonna die already?" I fell asleep before I found out. One movie that most people don't realize is a sleeper is Titanic. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "Katie, I have seen all of Titanic and it is therefore not a sleeper." But you stand corrected my friend. Titanic is such a long movie that you are bound to fall asleep at one point or another, you just fall asleep at a different part every time, so you've still seen the whole movie. I've only fallen asleep in the actual theater once. It was during Robin Hood, which from the first 20 minutes that I did see I could tell it was a lame rip-off of the charming British T.V show. In my defense, it was at a drive in, which actually is quite strange because it normally takes me forever to fall asleep in the car. The weirdest part about falling asleep during movies is that sometimes people say, "Hello Katie, have you seen Aliens?" and I'm never sure if I should say I have, or just say that I fell asleep. Would that make me look really lame?

What Happened to Vampires?

Sometimes I think I'm the only girl who doesn't like twilight. I personally think it's the dumbest thing ever, but for some reason the rest of the world seems to be hypnotized by it. I do know a few people who also hate it, but most of them just hate it because it's ubiquitous. They don't seem to mind that the plot is not only sexist, but also plainly disturbing. They only mind that everyone else likes it. I find that almost more annoying. I do pride myself in saying that I'm not one of those people who is dissing it without actually having read the books. I have indeed read them, they sucked, but at least I read them. I also don't understand Stephanie Meyer's reluctance in killing any vampires. Not only do none of the main vampires actually die, but she also makes it almost impossible to kill them in the first place. If you haven't figured it out I am indeed talking about the fact that they sparkle. I mean come on! You can't just make up your own rules! If you're writing a vampire novel there are certain requirements. I feel like she's turned vampires into something completely different. It used to be hard to be a vampire, you used to only be able to come out at night, and not be able to enjoy the deliciousness that is garlic. Now the only problem is that you have some unusual eating habits, and you can't seem to get tan. As for the werewolves, they're hot, but I think they're making way too big a deal out of it. For example, today in Barnes and Noble, I saw a bookmark with all the werewolves on it and none of them were wearing shirts. Wouldn't that distract you from reading? Anyway, vampires have really changed. What happened to the kick-ass vampires of Joss Whedon, who were burdened with a soul, making everything bad they've ever done so much worse? What happened to vampires who singed at every cross and spot of sun? What happened to vampires who were, well, awesome?

My Favorite Overused Plot Line.

I've already expressed that my least favorite overused plot line is being impregnated with demon spawn. My favorite would probably have to be when one best friend is secretly in love with the other best friend. This is almost always an unrequited love, but as overused plot lines go it's not a bad one. Besides, if they actually get together for more then like 3 seconds it's not overused, because that only happens in like 3 things. The classic example being Emma, the Jane Austen novel. My favorite example being Ron and Hermione in Harry Potter, they are my favorite couple ever, and I practically have pg. 625 of the Deathly Hallows memorized. Anyway It's by far a superior overused plot line then the 'classic' secretly in love with the popular pretty girl. You may think that this one is only reserved for the really terrible high school movies, but if you look a bit closer you'll see that it is literally EVERYWHERE. It happens in BtVS, when Xander falls for Cordelia in season 3. I actually don't mind this one too much, because you still get a side of Willow maybe being in love with Xander, but dating Oz. It happens through season 5 of Smallville, because Clark is so desperately in love with Lana. I hate this one, I mean geez, can he just get over her? But Smallville does have Chloe being hopelessly in love with Clark, which kind of makes up for it. It happens with reverse genders in Veronica Mars, when Veronica gets back together with Duncan. I personally preferred her and Logan together, it was so weird it was awesome! But then again anything is better then being impregnated by demon spawn.

In Case You Were Wondering:

I have recently been made aware of the fact that I look a lot like the anime character Haruhi from Ouran Host club. It's weird. The only difference is that she has brown eyes and I have blue eyes. Plus, I've only been mistaken for a guy once. If you haven't had the pleasure of viewing Ouran Host Club pretty much the whole premise is that she's pretending to be a guy. And in honor of this I have decided to list some of the best time girls have passed for guys.

Sure She's the Man wasn't the greatest movie ever, but it had it's moments. I still laugh when they're playing soccer and she says she has to be a shirt because she's allergic to the sun.

Being a true Buffy fan I believe that all princess' should be able to kick ass when they need to. Seeing as Mulan is the only Disney princess who even remotely stands a chance in the zombie apocalypse, she is most certainly my favorite and definitely deserving of a best girl pretending to be a guy award.

Few people have heard of this series, but Art is a female pirate constantly passing for a man. You probably haven't heard of it because only the first one was even remotely good.

Being the huge Harry Potter nerd I am, I was determined to work it in to this post. Several girls pretend to be Harry in the beginning of the 7th book using the polyjuice potion.

I wasn't a huge fan of Shakespeare in Love, but you do have to give it credit for having a girl pretending to be a guy pretending to be a girl.

If you get a chance to, read this article. It is one of the most hysterical things ever. Really? I mean, how do you not know? Seriously! It's like a TLC show packed into a magazine article, and is another fabulous example of a girl pretending to be a guy.

Jesus V. Snooki

While par-oozing facebook, I noticed that one of my friends had become a fan of both Snooki and Jesus Christ. Now, I'm not the least bit religious and I still find this disturbing. You can't become a fan of any biblical figure and the Jersey Shore star who recently was arrested, while wearing a shirt that said 'slut'. It's just not right. Perhaps the most disturbing part is that he became a fan of them consecutively. What, so he was thinking "okay I like Jesus, who else do I like... Snooki!!!" No. Just no.

Confessions of a Karaoke Singer.

Is it sad that the people who host karaoke at TGIF's know me by name? Maybe you think so, but I think it's magical. Okay, so maybe it's not that special. But it's still nice to be appreciated even in little ways like that. The thing about karaoke is, it never neglects to make me feel awesome. Even if my voice cracks. Even though I can only sing 4 songs before sounding like a whale who lost its mate. Even though I probably sound like a total douche right now. We all have something like this, something that makes you feel like your worth something. Something that makes you feel like you can mesmerize even the sharpest of minds with your insane powers. Something that we turn to, time and time again, so that we can be awesome.

I've got elegance.

Instead of the usual late night fiasco of me finding terrible music bought on my itunes the next morning, this morning I woke up with "We've got Elegance" in my head. For you non-musical whizz's this is from the classic musical Hello Dolly. Now I'm pretty sure I fell asleep watching this last night. But I woke up in my room, and I fell asleep on the couch. Now I'm randomly bursting into song, making everyone around me think I have musical turrets. Anyway, watching musical's late at night makes them seem much more realistic. Plus, I dreamt in song last night. If you ever saw the musical episode of Even Stevens it was strangely similar to that.

BEST. PICTURE. EVER.

There is very little that would make this picture more awesome. It's got everything from Joe Biden, to a Spaceship!!!!! I highly recommend photoshop as a pastime. BEST. PICTURE. EVER.

Help! I'm Drowning in a Pile of Converse!

As summer comes to an end, and fall (along with the horror of school) sneaks around the corner to try to surprise me (which they inevitably do), it begins to become apparent that the number shoes I own is ridiculous. Okay, the number of shoes I own is probably normal, it's the number of converse that is really starting to become a problem. I own 6 pairs of converse, not to mention I really want a pair of navy blue high tops solely because Amy, from Doctor Who, was wearing a pair in the weeping angels episode. Plus, they'll match practically everything. But, if I buy them, which of course I will, I will own one pair of converse for every day of the week. Also, I own 6 (going on 7) pairs of converse and only 2 pairs of heels. One of which was a hand me down and doesn't fit well. It's probably for the best because I only wear them when I absolutely have to, and whenever I do I always trip. The sad thing is that owning this many converse doesn't even appall me in the least. I actually think it's awesome. Which I suppose is the problem with addiction, you don't really see the error in your ways.

Twinkies

Reality T.V shows are the twinkies of television. In no way should they even be included in the Emmy nominations. They are not real T.V in the same way that twinkies aren't real food. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional Say Yes to the Dress or Project Runway, and nothing compares to I Didn't Know I was Pregnant when you really want a twinkie, but in no way should they win any sort of awards. I mean, there's no acting (or at least no good acting), there's no plot line, the only thing you're really rewarding is the dumb concept of the show. Like a twinkie, one or two is okay, but if you watch a whole marathon you just start to feel trashy. Where as if you watch a marathon of something with a plot you just feel addicted. Which is much better than trashy. Reality T.V shows are lacking everything in nutritional value, and taste like preservatives.

Oops! I Did it Again

Okay, buying one song from something dumb at least shows that you have enough self respect as to not buy multiple songs. But no, I'm just not the type of person who can make a mistake and learn from it. I have to make the mistake like 11 1/2 times. In other words, yes. I now own 2 songs from 13 the musical. At least this time the people singing are better. And the song must be better too (or at least more catchy), because I am now listening to my sister's shower rendition. But still, seriously? I did it again? And not only did I have to go and buy the song, I also had to spend the night looking up renditions of it on youtube. All I wanted to do last night was watch That 70's Show reruns until I fell asleep on the couch, but no. I had to engage in crazy 3-4 in the morning activities that make the most embarrassing thing on my ipod, really embarrassing. I mean most people say the most embarrassing song they own is "All by Myself" the Celine Dion version, or "Toxic" by Britney Spears. But of course mine has to be much much more embarrassing than everyone else's. And I have to have 2. But at least we now know how slightly worse than average broadway musicals make money: when people who like show tunes stay up too late. Our late night itunes purchases often become the worst thing on our ipods. Perhaps the saddest part is that I (not believing in downloading music illegally, unless itunes doesn't have the song you want) actually paid for these songs. Sure it was only 99 cents, but still. It's pretty pathetic. Or maybe the most embarrassing thing is that I actually like this song. God, I really am pathetic.

On the Farm

Can I just express how stupid Farmville is? I mean it's a virtual farm, why is that supposed to be fun? I mean at least world of warcraft satisfies the secret desire to be a powerful character in some sort of magical world. But what does farmville satisfy? The secret desire to be a farmer? Seriously? And the excuse that you're really good at it and almost to level 52 is not acceptable. When are the skills that are required to tend to a virtual farm ever going to come in handy in the real world? If that is the only thing you're good at you need to get a life. I especially hate it when you're in the middle of a conversation with someone and suddenly they say, "Oh! I can finally harvest my strawberries!" I know that I too spend my time doing stupid things (some would even say this blog), but don't you want to spend the limited time you have to spend on stupid things not to be spent doing something stupidly boring? If you want to spend it playing a game, don't you want to spend it playing one where you kill things, so you can at least have the satisfaction of releasing some stress? Maybe farmville does release their stress. Maybe successfully growing something, even if it is virtual, gives them satisfaction beyond my knowing. However, don't pretend retreating into the fake world of farmville is in any way going to help you with your real problems.

Dim Witted Bears

One of the main reasons we watch television is for the hot actors on the show. Because, let's face it, who wants to watch something about unattractive people? All shows, with the exception of some shows on the BBC, have at least one attractive character. But I am here today to warn people about something terrible that can happen to hot characters: Dim Witted Bear Syndrome. Dim Witted Bear Syndrome is tragic, and occurs when a character is hot, but big and muscular like a bear. This character is always a little bit (or a lot) on the slow side, which is usually pretty unfortunate because he could have been your next t.v boyfriend. Some side effects of DWBS are looking really huggable (like a teddy bear!) and mistaking feelings that you really like a person, for love (this can happen to both parties involved). A few unfortunate characters who appear to have this are Angel (from Angel), Finn (from Glee), Whitney (from Smallville), and many others. Angel appears to only suffer from minor DWBS do to the fact that he's dumb, but not extremely dumb. He does look fun to hug and the people around him (Fred and Cordy mainly) think they're in love with him, and he thinks he's in love with Cordy. I've had some arguments that he isn't dumb, but he sleeps with Darla. I mean come on! You don't sleep with Darla unless you're completely stupid. Finn on the other hand appears to be exceedingly stupid, fun to hug, and (as displayed in the finale) he thinks he loves Rachel. There you have it: your perfect Dim Witted Bear. Don't confuse DWBS for being fun to hug and making some bad relationship decisions. Clark (from Smallville) for example, looks very fun to hug and he thinks he's in love with Lana for what, 4 seasons? But he does not have DWBS because he isn't stupid. The stupid is the vital key. This syndrome is also known as Fuzzy Bear Syndrome, and Angel's Disease (personally I think it should be Finn's Disease because he's the perfect example, but Finn wasn't around when the rules were made.)

10:58 isn't 3:00

This morning I woke up vaguely remembering buying something from itunes the night before. I've had prior experiences where itunes has been a bad late night pass time, which usually ends with me questioning why I bought that Carrie Underwood song. I figured this wouldn't be a problem since it happened around 11, and not 3. Sadly, I was mistaken. Imagine my surprise in finding out I own a song from 13 the musical. First of all, what the hell is 13 the musical? Second of all, according to my sister, I was all over this last night, which is weird because everyone in this sings terribly off key, and well, sounds like their voices are changing. Which is weird because only one of them was a guy. The song I had purchased was frankly very random. It was somehow violent and sappy at the same time. Who even knew that existed? I did some research, and apparently the song is sung in the movie theater, where a scary movie is playing. Anyways, you should check out the youtube videos if you want a laugh. I do not know what was up with this 11 o'clock purchase. Too many diet cokes?

You Had to be There.

I really hate 'you had to be there' stories. If you're in the midst of telling one and you suddenly realize that no one else will find it funny, should you continue to tell the story? What else can you really do? I've often thought of spicing the story up with a sudden murder, or zombies, but would that just make the situation more awkward? If the people knew you had to revive the story, would they think you were even more of a loser? It really sucks when someone just told a great story that was hysterical and you follow up with a 'you had to be there' story, that frankly wrecks the mood, leaving everyone thinking "great, I was having a perfectly nice time until this douche came around and told that pointless story." 'You had to be there' stories can often be awkward (but not as awkward) on the receiving end as well. Should you laugh and pretend to be amused by someone's lame story? Should you just sit there and stare at the person in a way that says, "I don't get you..."? Or would that be rude? Generally, if you are in a rather large group of people not laughing can make the person feel even worse then a one on one situation. I know this, because you had to be there for all of my stories.

Bang Bang, Kiss Kiss, but Not For Long, because it will end in a Major Letdown.

You have to keep your audience fairly unhappy when writing a T.V show. If everything that you wanted to happen happened on the television programs you love, then you wouldn't love them at all. Lets take the show Cheers for example. The whole show was built around the sexual tension between Diane and Sam, and when they finally did get together, the show fell apart. My personal favorite way of keeping your viewers unhappy, but still very much addicted, is what I like to refer to as the 'Not For Long' Rule. The Not For Long Rule consists of two separate parts. The first is when something you really want to happen finally happens (most of the time this consists two characters finally realizing their undying love for each other). The second part is where almost immediately afterward something tragic happens to one or both of the characters, leaving you with the feeling that you're being stabbed poetically. This rule has happened in many shows including, the show Angel, when Cordelia and Angel finally are about to profess their love for one another, and then Angel is trapped in a box at the bottom of the ocean and Cordy becomes one of the powers that be. What I will always say is the saddest death in the history of television is Tara's from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (which I will from now on refer to as BtVS). Willow and Tara, who make up the least dysfunctional couple in the history of BtVS, have finally gotten back together after a rather painfully long breakup (they were the only constant thing on the show), but less than a day after their reunion Tara is accidentally shot. The saddest part about this death is that as Tara is dying, the only thing she's worried about is that Willow's shirt is covered in blood. Making her last words "Your Shirt". It is a scientifically proven fact that chemicals released in near death situations, such as adrenaline, increase your attraction to the people you are experiencing it with. This is used to keep your viewers unhappy in the "Bang Bang, Kiss Kiss Rule" which is kind of the opposite of the Not For Long Rule. It's when a near death situation (bang bang) makes a character realize that they love another character (kiss kiss). So in other words, the realization usually comes too late to do anything about it. This happens multiple times in Doctor Who. The best being with Rose and the Doctor, and perhaps the worst being when Rory's death in an alternate universe makes Amy realize she loves him. But the Bang Bang, Kiss Kiss Rule does not necessarily have to end in tragedy. For example, Simon and Kaylee in Firefly. One of the most annoying ways of keeping your audience unhappy is the "Major Letdown Rule". The Major Letdown Rule is often confused with the Not For Long Rule, but in reality are two totally different things. The Major Letdown Rule is when nothing terrible happens to stop a relationship, the relationship is simply a major letdown. This happens with Barney and Robin in How I Met Your Mother, whom I think would've made an awesome couple, but the relationship just didn't work. This also happens with Buffy and Spike (on a lesser degree), because all they did was beat each other up. We crave the pain our writers give us. Screw them.

Help! I'm Impregnated by Demon Spawn!

Have you ever noticed how some plot lines are just way too overused? One of the plot lines that not only is way overused, but is also extremely hard to pull off is being impregnated by demon spawn. One of the first occurrences of this now popular theme is in the horror movie Rosemary's Child. After that, we see it popping up occasionally until we reach today, where we frankly see this theme too much. One of my least favorite things in the world, Twilight, has this story-line. And if I understand correctly, not only is there a mutant half-human half-vampire, but there is also a werewolf who's in love with her. Now that is what I call a screwed up family. In the T.V show Angel, which I happen to love, Cordelia gets impregnated with demon spawn time and time again, until finally she ends up in a coma because of it. I'm sorry, but not even Joss Whedon (who is absolutely amazing and whom I love very dearly) could pull it off. And if Joss can't pull it off, then neither can you. We also see this in Torchwood, when Gwen not only gets impregnated, but gets impregnated on the day before her wedding. It was a valiant try to revive the overdone theme with a new twist, but in the end was unsuccessful. Demon Spawn might not be so terrible if we didn't see it so much in today's pop culture, but because we've seen it so much we start to grown every time our new favorite sci-fi show tries to pull it off. So put down your defibrillators and stop trying to revive this cliche idea. Please?

Bloodshed

In the types of T.V shows I watch, people get shot quite often. That's why I've developed the gunshot rule. This rule consists of several different parts.
Part 1: Is the wound closer to the shoulder or the heart? If it's closer to the shoulder the character lives. If it's closer to the heart, I'm sorry for your loss.
Part 2: If the character is shot in the stomach, there is usually a lingering, wavering scare of whether or not they'll survive, but in the end the character will pull through. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, especially if the character does not get medical attention soon enough (ex: Torchwood).
Part 3: leg wounds are hardly ever a problem. No one dies from being shot in the leg.
After long contemplation, I've decided that the place I'd like to be shot most would be in the foot. You would avoid any essential organs and there would be much less bleeding then the leg. I don't know why you would get a choice of where to be shot. Unless the criminal is very courteous, "I am going to shoot you now, but first where would you prefer to be shot?" Hopefully you could pretend to be debating about this until the cops came.

Monologues V. Soliloquies

Which do you prefer, monologues or soliloquies? In case you don't know the difference, a monologue is given in the presence of other characters, similar to a speech. A soliloquy is given when the character is alone or only in the presence of the audience, similar to talking to yourself. The question is, which one is better? Although Hamlet's "To be or not to be" is a very famous example of a soliloquy, my personal favorite would have to Cher's (from Clueless), "I'm totally, completely, butt-crazy in love with Josh!" It captures my thought process pretty well, plus it's enlightening. And then there are the one's that are confusing, like Chloe's (from Smallville), "I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend" I mean technically Clark is there, but he's unconscious. So, is it a monologue if the only person there is unconscious? Or is it automatically a soliloquy? And what about songs, can they be monologues and soliloquies? Because often in musicals people randomly burst into song all by themselves, but would that be a soliloquy, or just your imagination? Hmmmm...

Beiber

Can I just express how much I hate Justin Beiber? He looks like such a douche. He says he's 16, but I'm pretty sure he's a 10 year old girl. I mean have you heard him sing? He's either that or a eunuch. Hmmm... On second thought maybe it's the latter. And his music videos are so ridiculous! He looks 10 and he's hitting on 22 year olds! Not only is it gross, but it's also potentially illegal! Also, I saw Billie Piper on the Graham Norton Show and she said, "Is it wrong to fancy him?... I'm 27." As much as I loved you as Rose on Doctor Who, Yes Billie, it is wrong to fancy him.

3-4

Have you ever woken up after a night of awesome only to find yourself asking "Why the hell was that so funny last night?" Well, after almost no research what so ever I have developed a theory. I'm pretty sure that if you are awake between the hours of 3 and 4 in the morning you have an 81% chance of finding absolutely everything hysterical. We've all experienced this hour and unfortunately this side effect is very hard to avoid, so I've come up with the following guideline of how to avoid making this hour worse than it has to be
1. Don't watch T.V. You will inevitably end up watching some terrible movie on Showtime, but of course you will think its the best thing in the world until you see it again at a normal time. 2. Don't go online shopping. Every single t-shirt that you would normally pass by without a second glance is a must have because you think it's hysterical at this hour. So in other words, avoid Zazzle. 3. Try to avoid any unnecessary contact with other people. If you do attempt to engage in a conversation, you will undoubtably end up laughing at something till one of two liquids exits the body only to wonder said question the next morning.
I hope this helps with surviving the late night to early morning transition.

Carrot Cake

I really hate carrot cake. I went to a wedding back in October, and there was this gorgeous cake. It was white with decorative flowers and icing worthy of Martha Stewart. When I finally got my piece of cake I looked down and what do I see? carrot cake. Carrot Cake? Are you screwing with me? Number one, carrot cake is only enjoyed by the very, very elderly. Number two, who forces the poor innocent guests of their wedding to eat carrot cake? Everyone at the wedding looked grim as they were forced to swallow a few bites just to be polite. As the bride later asked if I had enjoyed the cake, I faked a smile and said it was delicious as I wished for nothing more than a simple piece of chocolate cake and a single scoop of vanilla ice cream. Furthermore, carrots are a vegetable. Vegetables are NOT for dessert! It's like "okay kids if you eat your vegetables you can have dessert!" and what's for dessert? More vegetables? No, that would be screwed up! So, I plead to those few carrot cake lovers out there, don't make the rest of us eat your awful dessert. Please?