Counting Shoulders. And Other Things That Make Dating Awkward.

One time, during a rousing game of apples to apples, my friend Arri got the adjective awkward. Less than a second after hearing the adjective, I quickly put down the word dating. I was sure I had this round in my pocket, but it became apparent that other people do not have as negative looks on dating as I do, when he instead chose family reunions. I have now decided to try and convince the world (or at least the six people who read this blog) that dating is the epitome of awkward. I'm all for feminism and all, but I will never ask someone out. I mean, I totally respect people with the courage to stand up and confess there love on a whim of romantic grace, but I have a rule that you can only do it under three circumstances. Number one: anything involving something similar to the bang bang kiss kiss theory (see bang bang kiss kiss, but not for long because it will end in a major letdown). Number two: if you are 99.2% sure the person likes you back, then it's okay, but anything less and you are risking too much humiliation and awkwardness. Number three: If you are in a situation where if the person does say no, it won't make things any more awkward (this never happens!). Another awkward thing about dating is if said person does say yes, what do you then proceed to do, and when is it appropriate to make it facebook official? I am very confused by the whole facebook thing. Someone once told me that "it's not official until it's facebook official" but what does official even mean? Can I be in a facebook official relationship with my dog? And what if one person thinks it's official, but the other one doesn't. That would be awkward. Also, it's almost as if you're flaunting it in other peoples faces. Oh you're engaged? See if I care I'm not going to your wedding. I'm so confused! My head hurts. My personal favorite awkward thing about dating is the move. Yes, you know the classic one where someone pretends to be tired and slowly yawns there way into putting there arm around the other person. With help from my sister, and my friend Sophie, we have come up with our own variations on the move. First of all, you can make it really nerdy by saying, "My ATP levels are deficient." Or you could go for one we like to call The Marty McFly, which can be obtained in just two simple steps! Step one: look surprised by something over by where your date is sitting. Step two: Simultaneously say, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" and point. And there you have it you're arm ends up right where it should be. My personal favorite is called the, "Let's count shoulders!" It's very straight forward, all you have to do is touch each shoulder while you're counting it, and would you look at that? You end up as close as you've always dreamed! A family favorite is the rainbow. All you have to do to achieve this seemingly effortless move is to move your arm in an arch till it reaches the goal, while saying, "Look! I'm a RAINBOW!" The aftermath of dating of course is probably the worst part. I mean you hopefully like this person enough to still be friends afterward, but either way it's immensely awkward. Maybe I only think dating is awkward because i'm socially inept. That's usually the answer to why I do and think a lot of things. I still can't help feeling very much like Charlie Mcdonnel in his "Understanding Teenage Girls" vlogpost. I just don't understand dating! It confuses me! Anyway, if you come up with you're own rendition of the move, you could win a secret prize! (OMG!!!! I HOPE IT'S A PONY!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Love & Onions (Blog Post For Alina).

Love is like an onion.
It has many layers that you slowly begin to unravel,
as you get to know someone
but once you find the middle,
all there is left are tears and the kitchen floor.
Love seems complex, love seems layered
not twisted, like it has a center filled with euphoria,
but it's empty; layers upon layers
concealing the nothing it really is.
Love is crunchy, bitter and hard to swallow.
Love needs to be cooked right.
You can't let it sit, waiting for someone else's turn
or else it will spoil, the moment and flavor lost forever.
Love is like an onion,
we wish it were something better.