Dim Witted Bears

One of the main reasons we watch television is for the hot actors on the show. Because, let's face it, who wants to watch something about unattractive people? All shows, with the exception of some shows on the BBC, have at least one attractive character. But I am here today to warn people about something terrible that can happen to hot characters: Dim Witted Bear Syndrome. Dim Witted Bear Syndrome is tragic, and occurs when a character is hot, but big and muscular like a bear. This character is always a little bit (or a lot) on the slow side, which is usually pretty unfortunate because he could have been your next t.v boyfriend. Some side effects of DWBS are looking really huggable (like a teddy bear!) and mistaking feelings that you really like a person, for love (this can happen to both parties involved). A few unfortunate characters who appear to have this are Angel (from Angel), Finn (from Glee), Whitney (from Smallville), and many others. Angel appears to only suffer from minor DWBS do to the fact that he's dumb, but not extremely dumb. He does look fun to hug and the people around him (Fred and Cordy mainly) think they're in love with him, and he thinks he's in love with Cordy. I've had some arguments that he isn't dumb, but he sleeps with Darla. I mean come on! You don't sleep with Darla unless you're completely stupid. Finn on the other hand appears to be exceedingly stupid, fun to hug, and (as displayed in the finale) he thinks he loves Rachel. There you have it: your perfect Dim Witted Bear. Don't confuse DWBS for being fun to hug and making some bad relationship decisions. Clark (from Smallville) for example, looks very fun to hug and he thinks he's in love with Lana for what, 4 seasons? But he does not have DWBS because he isn't stupid. The stupid is the vital key. This syndrome is also known as Fuzzy Bear Syndrome, and Angel's Disease (personally I think it should be Finn's Disease because he's the perfect example, but Finn wasn't around when the rules were made.)

10:58 isn't 3:00

This morning I woke up vaguely remembering buying something from itunes the night before. I've had prior experiences where itunes has been a bad late night pass time, which usually ends with me questioning why I bought that Carrie Underwood song. I figured this wouldn't be a problem since it happened around 11, and not 3. Sadly, I was mistaken. Imagine my surprise in finding out I own a song from 13 the musical. First of all, what the hell is 13 the musical? Second of all, according to my sister, I was all over this last night, which is weird because everyone in this sings terribly off key, and well, sounds like their voices are changing. Which is weird because only one of them was a guy. The song I had purchased was frankly very random. It was somehow violent and sappy at the same time. Who even knew that existed? I did some research, and apparently the song is sung in the movie theater, where a scary movie is playing. Anyways, you should check out the youtube videos if you want a laugh. I do not know what was up with this 11 o'clock purchase. Too many diet cokes?

You Had to be There.

I really hate 'you had to be there' stories. If you're in the midst of telling one and you suddenly realize that no one else will find it funny, should you continue to tell the story? What else can you really do? I've often thought of spicing the story up with a sudden murder, or zombies, but would that just make the situation more awkward? If the people knew you had to revive the story, would they think you were even more of a loser? It really sucks when someone just told a great story that was hysterical and you follow up with a 'you had to be there' story, that frankly wrecks the mood, leaving everyone thinking "great, I was having a perfectly nice time until this douche came around and told that pointless story." 'You had to be there' stories can often be awkward (but not as awkward) on the receiving end as well. Should you laugh and pretend to be amused by someone's lame story? Should you just sit there and stare at the person in a way that says, "I don't get you..."? Or would that be rude? Generally, if you are in a rather large group of people not laughing can make the person feel even worse then a one on one situation. I know this, because you had to be there for all of my stories.

Bang Bang, Kiss Kiss, but Not For Long, because it will end in a Major Letdown.

You have to keep your audience fairly unhappy when writing a T.V show. If everything that you wanted to happen happened on the television programs you love, then you wouldn't love them at all. Lets take the show Cheers for example. The whole show was built around the sexual tension between Diane and Sam, and when they finally did get together, the show fell apart. My personal favorite way of keeping your viewers unhappy, but still very much addicted, is what I like to refer to as the 'Not For Long' Rule. The Not For Long Rule consists of two separate parts. The first is when something you really want to happen finally happens (most of the time this consists two characters finally realizing their undying love for each other). The second part is where almost immediately afterward something tragic happens to one or both of the characters, leaving you with the feeling that you're being stabbed poetically. This rule has happened in many shows including, the show Angel, when Cordelia and Angel finally are about to profess their love for one another, and then Angel is trapped in a box at the bottom of the ocean and Cordy becomes one of the powers that be. What I will always say is the saddest death in the history of television is Tara's from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (which I will from now on refer to as BtVS). Willow and Tara, who make up the least dysfunctional couple in the history of BtVS, have finally gotten back together after a rather painfully long breakup (they were the only constant thing on the show), but less than a day after their reunion Tara is accidentally shot. The saddest part about this death is that as Tara is dying, the only thing she's worried about is that Willow's shirt is covered in blood. Making her last words "Your Shirt". It is a scientifically proven fact that chemicals released in near death situations, such as adrenaline, increase your attraction to the people you are experiencing it with. This is used to keep your viewers unhappy in the "Bang Bang, Kiss Kiss Rule" which is kind of the opposite of the Not For Long Rule. It's when a near death situation (bang bang) makes a character realize that they love another character (kiss kiss). So in other words, the realization usually comes too late to do anything about it. This happens multiple times in Doctor Who. The best being with Rose and the Doctor, and perhaps the worst being when Rory's death in an alternate universe makes Amy realize she loves him. But the Bang Bang, Kiss Kiss Rule does not necessarily have to end in tragedy. For example, Simon and Kaylee in Firefly. One of the most annoying ways of keeping your audience unhappy is the "Major Letdown Rule". The Major Letdown Rule is often confused with the Not For Long Rule, but in reality are two totally different things. The Major Letdown Rule is when nothing terrible happens to stop a relationship, the relationship is simply a major letdown. This happens with Barney and Robin in How I Met Your Mother, whom I think would've made an awesome couple, but the relationship just didn't work. This also happens with Buffy and Spike (on a lesser degree), because all they did was beat each other up. We crave the pain our writers give us. Screw them.

Help! I'm Impregnated by Demon Spawn!

Have you ever noticed how some plot lines are just way too overused? One of the plot lines that not only is way overused, but is also extremely hard to pull off is being impregnated by demon spawn. One of the first occurrences of this now popular theme is in the horror movie Rosemary's Child. After that, we see it popping up occasionally until we reach today, where we frankly see this theme too much. One of my least favorite things in the world, Twilight, has this story-line. And if I understand correctly, not only is there a mutant half-human half-vampire, but there is also a werewolf who's in love with her. Now that is what I call a screwed up family. In the T.V show Angel, which I happen to love, Cordelia gets impregnated with demon spawn time and time again, until finally she ends up in a coma because of it. I'm sorry, but not even Joss Whedon (who is absolutely amazing and whom I love very dearly) could pull it off. And if Joss can't pull it off, then neither can you. We also see this in Torchwood, when Gwen not only gets impregnated, but gets impregnated on the day before her wedding. It was a valiant try to revive the overdone theme with a new twist, but in the end was unsuccessful. Demon Spawn might not be so terrible if we didn't see it so much in today's pop culture, but because we've seen it so much we start to grown every time our new favorite sci-fi show tries to pull it off. So put down your defibrillators and stop trying to revive this cliche idea. Please?

Bloodshed

In the types of T.V shows I watch, people get shot quite often. That's why I've developed the gunshot rule. This rule consists of several different parts.
Part 1: Is the wound closer to the shoulder or the heart? If it's closer to the shoulder the character lives. If it's closer to the heart, I'm sorry for your loss.
Part 2: If the character is shot in the stomach, there is usually a lingering, wavering scare of whether or not they'll survive, but in the end the character will pull through. Of course there are exceptions to this rule, especially if the character does not get medical attention soon enough (ex: Torchwood).
Part 3: leg wounds are hardly ever a problem. No one dies from being shot in the leg.
After long contemplation, I've decided that the place I'd like to be shot most would be in the foot. You would avoid any essential organs and there would be much less bleeding then the leg. I don't know why you would get a choice of where to be shot. Unless the criminal is very courteous, "I am going to shoot you now, but first where would you prefer to be shot?" Hopefully you could pretend to be debating about this until the cops came.

Monologues V. Soliloquies

Which do you prefer, monologues or soliloquies? In case you don't know the difference, a monologue is given in the presence of other characters, similar to a speech. A soliloquy is given when the character is alone or only in the presence of the audience, similar to talking to yourself. The question is, which one is better? Although Hamlet's "To be or not to be" is a very famous example of a soliloquy, my personal favorite would have to Cher's (from Clueless), "I'm totally, completely, butt-crazy in love with Josh!" It captures my thought process pretty well, plus it's enlightening. And then there are the one's that are confusing, like Chloe's (from Smallville), "I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend" I mean technically Clark is there, but he's unconscious. So, is it a monologue if the only person there is unconscious? Or is it automatically a soliloquy? And what about songs, can they be monologues and soliloquies? Because often in musicals people randomly burst into song all by themselves, but would that be a soliloquy, or just your imagination? Hmmmm...

Beiber

Can I just express how much I hate Justin Beiber? He looks like such a douche. He says he's 16, but I'm pretty sure he's a 10 year old girl. I mean have you heard him sing? He's either that or a eunuch. Hmmm... On second thought maybe it's the latter. And his music videos are so ridiculous! He looks 10 and he's hitting on 22 year olds! Not only is it gross, but it's also potentially illegal! Also, I saw Billie Piper on the Graham Norton Show and she said, "Is it wrong to fancy him?... I'm 27." As much as I loved you as Rose on Doctor Who, Yes Billie, it is wrong to fancy him.

3-4

Have you ever woken up after a night of awesome only to find yourself asking "Why the hell was that so funny last night?" Well, after almost no research what so ever I have developed a theory. I'm pretty sure that if you are awake between the hours of 3 and 4 in the morning you have an 81% chance of finding absolutely everything hysterical. We've all experienced this hour and unfortunately this side effect is very hard to avoid, so I've come up with the following guideline of how to avoid making this hour worse than it has to be
1. Don't watch T.V. You will inevitably end up watching some terrible movie on Showtime, but of course you will think its the best thing in the world until you see it again at a normal time. 2. Don't go online shopping. Every single t-shirt that you would normally pass by without a second glance is a must have because you think it's hysterical at this hour. So in other words, avoid Zazzle. 3. Try to avoid any unnecessary contact with other people. If you do attempt to engage in a conversation, you will undoubtably end up laughing at something till one of two liquids exits the body only to wonder said question the next morning.
I hope this helps with surviving the late night to early morning transition.

Carrot Cake

I really hate carrot cake. I went to a wedding back in October, and there was this gorgeous cake. It was white with decorative flowers and icing worthy of Martha Stewart. When I finally got my piece of cake I looked down and what do I see? carrot cake. Carrot Cake? Are you screwing with me? Number one, carrot cake is only enjoyed by the very, very elderly. Number two, who forces the poor innocent guests of their wedding to eat carrot cake? Everyone at the wedding looked grim as they were forced to swallow a few bites just to be polite. As the bride later asked if I had enjoyed the cake, I faked a smile and said it was delicious as I wished for nothing more than a simple piece of chocolate cake and a single scoop of vanilla ice cream. Furthermore, carrots are a vegetable. Vegetables are NOT for dessert! It's like "okay kids if you eat your vegetables you can have dessert!" and what's for dessert? More vegetables? No, that would be screwed up! So, I plead to those few carrot cake lovers out there, don't make the rest of us eat your awful dessert. Please?