Door to Door Meat Salesman.

I don't mean to bother
This is a sure strange way to greet
But could you maybe ponder
Purchasing some meat?

This is the freshest I've to offer
And you look like you can eat,
So, my friend look no further,
than this delicious slack of meat.

I go from door to door
I come from street to street
And, my friend I can assure
you will adore this meat.

Better than the store
you need no receipt
And you need not a cent more
than $100 for this meat

What you say no deal?
I'm not one to conceit
My friend this is a steal!
How 'bout $50 for the meat

I see your quite taken
Your life would not be complete
without a little bacon,
filet minion is a nice meat

I see you aren't interested, man
But I do accept defeat
I'm just a lowly salesman
Who can't sell any meat.

Guatemala Moments.

Life doesn't get any more pathetic then when you're watching a romantic comedy by yourself. At first you think it will be fine, after all you did want to see the new Kate Hudson movie, and you watch romcoms alone all the time at home. But trust me when I say, that's what you think my friend. That's what you think, until you slowly turn to the seat next to you to say that- but alas, the seat is empty. As you're sitting alone eating the ridiculously large popcorn you bought only for yourself and that you know you will inevitably eat all of, all you can think of is how pathetic your life must be. I mean come on, you couldn't even find a single person who wanted to go see a chick-flick with you, and the overly romantic music that's playing as the leading male races to catch his girl before she gets on the plane to Guatemala is not helping. You only mutter softly under your breath, "Guatemala, It's always Guatemala," and sigh heavily as the names roll up on the screen. You look around only to notice that you are not only the only person alone, but also the only person crying. You regretfully exit the theater feeling rejected and alone, only wanting to cry alone in the corner, and complain about how romantically deprived your life is. And you can't help thinking that if your life was like the movie you just saw, you'd bump into a handsome stranger who finds you attractive even though you're crying and you in turn would have your own Guatemala moment. But you make your way home in the lonely haze of a crappy movie you hope to never see again.

Moments I Will Never Live Down and the List My Sister Made Me.

No mater how hard I try no one will ever let me forget the awkward things I've done in the past. But my sister does feel the need to take precautions for the future. She is literally making me a list of things I should not do in public. Most of the things that are on this list I've actually done in the past. It's pretty embarrassing. Now I'm completely unsure as to if I should be offended by this so called list, or if I should embrace it and try to let the list help me. Wait a second, who am I kidding? of course I'm going to be offended! God! Am I the only person who finds my awkwardness charming? It's like it's my schtick right? No? Fine. Anyway, heres the list of things not to talk about in public:
1. When your mom has her period
2. How awkward the situation you are in is
3. Any of your friends being secretly in love with each other
4. Don't make obscure Doctor Who references when no one around is a wholigan
5. Don't repeat what people say in song
6. Don't make fun of reading rainbow
7. Don't ever say you hate a name
8. Don't accidentally confuse the movie repo man with the movie repo men
9. Don't use common names in creating example stories
10. Don't say I'm in lesbians with you. (Although you know it's a Scott Pilgrim reference the rest of the world won't)
11. Don't ever refer to the F word as the Fuck word
12. Don't have a conversation that just revolves around museums, it is likely the other person is uninterested.
13. Don't talk about all the things you've had to eat that day
14. Don't start raving about how awesome and cute your English teacher is
15. Avoid car rides with people over 50
16. Don't stare at girls with worded shirts when the writing is on the boobs
17. No talking about underwear in general
18. Don't say anything about not showering
19. Don't bring up anything illegal you've done
20. Beware slips of the tongue, especially with names.
21. Don't put yourself in hypothetical lesbian relationships unless you are a lesbian.
22. Don't ever call a girl average-looking. (Inspired by Curtis-I am not that mean!)
23. When asked whether you play any sports, don't say "Does eating count?"
24. Do all you can to avoid slow dancing with your grandfather.
25. When someone jokingly says "Slap him!" Don't actually slap him full on in the face leaving a movie-esque depiction of a red handprint.

My name is Katie Burke and I am Socially Awkward!

I'm really awkward. The sad thing is people have actually made a point to make sure I know this. And frankly I don't mind at all as long as I know you. If we've only said a few words to one another, I don't appreciate you pointing it out. I was once at the movies and the guy I was buying popcorn from told me this. The really sad thing is that it wasn't just once. Yes, my beloved readers, I have been told by two separate popcorn guys on two different occasions that I am a very awkward person. On the other hand I once actually created a line at Hot Topic because the cashier and I were having a conversation about how awesome the Harry Potter shirt I was buying was. And on four awesome occasions the cashiers at bookmans gave me 20% because of what I was buying (okay once it was because I had pink hair.) Anyway I just want to make a point of saying, that it is these people who define the world. And it is these people who will actually make a difference and an impact on humanity. Little by little they are saving awkward people from me becoming Hermits. And maybe, eventually with enough of their help, I will develop enough euphoria and a high enough self-esteem to actually do a vlog post. So, to those nerds in the world who are helping me to not stay at home watching Farscape reruns all day, I propose a toast. And to those douches who insist on calling me socially awkward, well you guys can suck it.

Counting Shoulders. And Other Things That Make Dating Awkward.

One time, during a rousing game of apples to apples, my friend Arri got the adjective awkward. Less than a second after hearing the adjective, I quickly put down the word dating. I was sure I had this round in my pocket, but it became apparent that other people do not have as negative looks on dating as I do, when he instead chose family reunions. I have now decided to try and convince the world (or at least the six people who read this blog) that dating is the epitome of awkward. I'm all for feminism and all, but I will never ask someone out. I mean, I totally respect people with the courage to stand up and confess there love on a whim of romantic grace, but I have a rule that you can only do it under three circumstances. Number one: anything involving something similar to the bang bang kiss kiss theory (see bang bang kiss kiss, but not for long because it will end in a major letdown). Number two: if you are 99.2% sure the person likes you back, then it's okay, but anything less and you are risking too much humiliation and awkwardness. Number three: If you are in a situation where if the person does say no, it won't make things any more awkward (this never happens!). Another awkward thing about dating is if said person does say yes, what do you then proceed to do, and when is it appropriate to make it facebook official? I am very confused by the whole facebook thing. Someone once told me that "it's not official until it's facebook official" but what does official even mean? Can I be in a facebook official relationship with my dog? And what if one person thinks it's official, but the other one doesn't. That would be awkward. Also, it's almost as if you're flaunting it in other peoples faces. Oh you're engaged? See if I care I'm not going to your wedding. I'm so confused! My head hurts. My personal favorite awkward thing about dating is the move. Yes, you know the classic one where someone pretends to be tired and slowly yawns there way into putting there arm around the other person. With help from my sister, and my friend Sophie, we have come up with our own variations on the move. First of all, you can make it really nerdy by saying, "My ATP levels are deficient." Or you could go for one we like to call The Marty McFly, which can be obtained in just two simple steps! Step one: look surprised by something over by where your date is sitting. Step two: Simultaneously say, "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" and point. And there you have it you're arm ends up right where it should be. My personal favorite is called the, "Let's count shoulders!" It's very straight forward, all you have to do is touch each shoulder while you're counting it, and would you look at that? You end up as close as you've always dreamed! A family favorite is the rainbow. All you have to do to achieve this seemingly effortless move is to move your arm in an arch till it reaches the goal, while saying, "Look! I'm a RAINBOW!" The aftermath of dating of course is probably the worst part. I mean you hopefully like this person enough to still be friends afterward, but either way it's immensely awkward. Maybe I only think dating is awkward because i'm socially inept. That's usually the answer to why I do and think a lot of things. I still can't help feeling very much like Charlie Mcdonnel in his "Understanding Teenage Girls" vlogpost. I just don't understand dating! It confuses me! Anyway, if you come up with you're own rendition of the move, you could win a secret prize! (OMG!!!! I HOPE IT'S A PONY!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Love & Onions (Blog Post For Alina).

Love is like an onion.
It has many layers that you slowly begin to unravel,
as you get to know someone
but once you find the middle,
all there is left are tears and the kitchen floor.
Love seems complex, love seems layered
not twisted, like it has a center filled with euphoria,
but it's empty; layers upon layers
concealing the nothing it really is.
Love is crunchy, bitter and hard to swallow.
Love needs to be cooked right.
You can't let it sit, waiting for someone else's turn
or else it will spoil, the moment and flavor lost forever.
Love is like an onion,
we wish it were something better.

27 Ways in Which I'm Nerdier then Charlie McDonnel.

If you're a charlieissocoollike fan, you've probably seen his new video about how nerdy he is. I would like to protest that I am in fact much nerdier than Charlie McDonnel, for the following reasons:
1. I'm so socially awkward that I can't even vlog. It's too embarrassing. When I'm blogging, no one can see me! Cause I'm attractively deprived. Also, I could be wearing my sister's Lady Gaga Halloween costume and you wouldn't know.
2. I have way more nerdy t shirts then he does. He had like 5, I have at least 15. I'm serious, all I wear are Jeans, converse, and nerdy T-shirts.
3. I own every season of BtVS, Angel, Smallville, and Doctor Who (the new series). And quote them all regularly.
4. Due to number 3 people often give me looks that express complete and utter "WTF?"
5. I have written a fanfic. You will never get to read it. EVER.
6. I sing in public, as if life is a musical. I'm the person who people try to avoid on the bus.
7. I often randomly burst into laughter when I think about something funny.
8. I have 13 the musical on my ipod ( or is that more dorky?)
9. My sister and I regularly have debates over weather David Tennant or Matt Smith is cooler.
10. I listen to random british pop music, that I have literally killed a party with.
11. My blog is called finding Serenity In Constant Euphemisms (If that's not nerdy, I don't know what is)
12. I attend Can't Stop the Serenity every year. And I dress up.
13. My friend and I once randomly decided to dress up as Dr. Horrible and Captain Hammer.
14. I have already purchased my XD tickets for Harry Potter on opening night.
15. I'm going as Chloe Sullivan for Halloween this year.
16. I have star wars pancake molds.
17. I have both AVPM and AVPS on my ipod.
18. I have a ridiculous attachment to Michael Cera. I'm going to marry him someday! Despite what Susie says!
19. I'm in AP Calculus. Not to mention I'm on my school's Academic Decathlon Team.
20. I once pulled an all-nighter watching the entire first season of Torchwood.
21. My ipod case has Darth Vader on it and my phone background is from Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.
22. I have a drawer in my room that has the sole purpose of storing comics, which all have protective coverings.
23. The people at Bookmans have given me discounts for being awesome.
24. Unlike Charlie McDonnel, I am not famous. I do this for fun.
25. I've died my hair pink.
26. I have this reoccurring dream where I'm married to Joss Whedon and I ruin dinner.
27. I am actually making a list of the ways I am nerdier than Charlie McDonnel.

Closing Time and Getting Shived.

After a week filled with very drama related things, I have realized how much I completely adore almost anything and anyone involved in theater. I love the dressing room on opening night, where everyone is too engaged in their frantic search for that missing earring to care what you look like with your shirt off. I love the swapped secrets and dressing room talk during dress rehearsal. I love screaming I'M FIRED UP! ARE YOU FIRED UP? during warmups. I love the moment before you enter, while you're waiting backstage where the world seems to slow down, and you know for a second that no matter what it's going to be awesome. I love the feeling that I'm a part of something awesome. I love that everything comes together and a group of very different people can create something amazing. I love the people. I love how understanding, and not judgmental everyone is. I know it's cheese, but i love the saying there are no small parts, only small actors. If you want it to work right in the end, you're a family and every part is vitally important to the show. I love how crazy excited everyone gets. I love closing time and getting shived.

Everybody Loves Ke$ha.

Is it weird that I kind of love Ke$ha? That was a rhetorical question. In my defense, her songs are really catchy. Sure she uses auto tune, but it's for effect and she obviously has to be a good singer. I mean anyone who was a background singer for Britney Spears has to be a good singer. And did you know she got a 1500 on the SAT, and has an IQ of over 140? And at least she writes all her own music. Plus, anyone who's trying to make blue lips a thing deserves some serious admiration. I feel so good now that I've finally come clean. My name is Katie, and I think Ke$ha is really cool! I feel so much better now. Don't even get me started on how awesome Lady Gaga is.

Top 5 Ways to "Cuss" on Television.

5. In the most recent episode 30 Rock a construction worker cusses at Liz, but a Jackhammer goes off every time something bad is said. It's a little cartoonish, but I still laughed.

4. Ted, in How I Met Your Mother, calls Lily a "grinch". Of course Lily gets mad and steals all the Christmas decorations making it all very appropriate.

3. If you're going for something a little more sophisticated, as apposed to slapstick, you could try inventing your own cuss word. Now, I think this is a great idea, but wouldn't it be cooler if they went for something a little less similar then Frak? I think people in the future will prefer something more like, "Oh, Sliitushpatob!"

2. If you have a great cast that's willing to memorize foreign words you could always try cussing in a different language. Firefly does this brilliantly. It somehow just slides into the whole cowboys in space theme without much questioning.

1. And the number one way to get away with cussing on television is...
killing the character off before they finish talking. Joss Whedon, who is the master at this (he also did Firefly), sends Willows vampire doppelganger, back to the alternate universe only to be killed off within seconds, leaving her last word and a half "Oh Fu", because she's staked by Oz before she can finish. I guess that would be the big problem with "Oh Sliitushpatob", you wouldn't get very far.

The worst part of being sick.

I hate being sick. It's immensely boring, so boring that I end up spoiling something for myself via the internet. That's definitely the worst part of being sick. I mean, I love the internet way more than the average person, and I am way too attached to it, but sometimes it can really be a bitch. Just because I want to know what's going to happen next on How I Met Your Mother, doesn't mean I really want to know. It's worse with shows you're watching after they've already aired. In 2 seconds you already have zillions of forums discussing events that you haven't seen yet. That's why my Lost stage was so very, very short. Sometimes, if you're lucky, spoiling something just makes it even more intriguing. But since the writers hate me (as stated in, Bang Bang Kiss Kiss but Not For Long because it will end in a Major Letdown), most of the time I just end up regretting watching that fan-vid and cursing the internet instead of my own stupidity. Still, occasionally you miss-interpret the information and end up surprised anyway. Or maybe the worst part of being sick is that my judgement gets way off. I love terrible Sarah Michelle Gellar movies about magic food, or end up crying during Never Been Kissed. But sometimes, something even worse happens and you end up watching an I Didn't Know I was Pregnant marathon until you end up huddled in the corner of the couch, peeking through your hands as the humongous, screaming women bores two squirmy purply things. Birth is gross. But then again maybe it's the fact that I'm out of orange juice.

Sleepers

I hate falling asleep during movies. It's so pointless. It's okay to fall asleep if you've seen the movie before, but there are certain movies I can never seem to stay awake through. I call these movies "Sleepers." I'll use it in a sentence too: "Oh man! I watched this sleeper last night and fell asleep at about 11, I felt so lame." Many people disagree with me when I say that Guys and Dolls is a sleeper, but I've attempted to watch it like 5 times and I've only gotten as far as "A Person Could Develop a Cold." Many people really really disagree with me when I say that Alien is a sleeper, but the first 20 minutes are the longest 20 minutes ever. I was like "Please is someone gonna die already?" I fell asleep before I found out. One movie that most people don't realize is a sleeper is Titanic. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "Katie, I have seen all of Titanic and it is therefore not a sleeper." But you stand corrected my friend. Titanic is such a long movie that you are bound to fall asleep at one point or another, you just fall asleep at a different part every time, so you've still seen the whole movie. I've only fallen asleep in the actual theater once. It was during Robin Hood, which from the first 20 minutes that I did see I could tell it was a lame rip-off of the charming British T.V show. In my defense, it was at a drive in, which actually is quite strange because it normally takes me forever to fall asleep in the car. The weirdest part about falling asleep during movies is that sometimes people say, "Hello Katie, have you seen Aliens?" and I'm never sure if I should say I have, or just say that I fell asleep. Would that make me look really lame?

What Happened to Vampires?

Sometimes I think I'm the only girl who doesn't like twilight. I personally think it's the dumbest thing ever, but for some reason the rest of the world seems to be hypnotized by it. I do know a few people who also hate it, but most of them just hate it because it's ubiquitous. They don't seem to mind that the plot is not only sexist, but also plainly disturbing. They only mind that everyone else likes it. I find that almost more annoying. I do pride myself in saying that I'm not one of those people who is dissing it without actually having read the books. I have indeed read them, they sucked, but at least I read them. I also don't understand Stephanie Meyer's reluctance in killing any vampires. Not only do none of the main vampires actually die, but she also makes it almost impossible to kill them in the first place. If you haven't figured it out I am indeed talking about the fact that they sparkle. I mean come on! You can't just make up your own rules! If you're writing a vampire novel there are certain requirements. I feel like she's turned vampires into something completely different. It used to be hard to be a vampire, you used to only be able to come out at night, and not be able to enjoy the deliciousness that is garlic. Now the only problem is that you have some unusual eating habits, and you can't seem to get tan. As for the werewolves, they're hot, but I think they're making way too big a deal out of it. For example, today in Barnes and Noble, I saw a bookmark with all the werewolves on it and none of them were wearing shirts. Wouldn't that distract you from reading? Anyway, vampires have really changed. What happened to the kick-ass vampires of Joss Whedon, who were burdened with a soul, making everything bad they've ever done so much worse? What happened to vampires who singed at every cross and spot of sun? What happened to vampires who were, well, awesome?

My Favorite Overused Plot Line.

I've already expressed that my least favorite overused plot line is being impregnated with demon spawn. My favorite would probably have to be when one best friend is secretly in love with the other best friend. This is almost always an unrequited love, but as overused plot lines go it's not a bad one. Besides, if they actually get together for more then like 3 seconds it's not overused, because that only happens in like 3 things. The classic example being Emma, the Jane Austen novel. My favorite example being Ron and Hermione in Harry Potter, they are my favorite couple ever, and I practically have pg. 625 of the Deathly Hallows memorized. Anyway It's by far a superior overused plot line then the 'classic' secretly in love with the popular pretty girl. You may think that this one is only reserved for the really terrible high school movies, but if you look a bit closer you'll see that it is literally EVERYWHERE. It happens in BtVS, when Xander falls for Cordelia in season 3. I actually don't mind this one too much, because you still get a side of Willow maybe being in love with Xander, but dating Oz. It happens through season 5 of Smallville, because Clark is so desperately in love with Lana. I hate this one, I mean geez, can he just get over her? But Smallville does have Chloe being hopelessly in love with Clark, which kind of makes up for it. It happens with reverse genders in Veronica Mars, when Veronica gets back together with Duncan. I personally preferred her and Logan together, it was so weird it was awesome! But then again anything is better then being impregnated by demon spawn.

In Case You Were Wondering:

I have recently been made aware of the fact that I look a lot like the anime character Haruhi from Ouran Host club. It's weird. The only difference is that she has brown eyes and I have blue eyes. Plus, I've only been mistaken for a guy once. If you haven't had the pleasure of viewing Ouran Host Club pretty much the whole premise is that she's pretending to be a guy. And in honor of this I have decided to list some of the best time girls have passed for guys.

Sure She's the Man wasn't the greatest movie ever, but it had it's moments. I still laugh when they're playing soccer and she says she has to be a shirt because she's allergic to the sun.

Being a true Buffy fan I believe that all princess' should be able to kick ass when they need to. Seeing as Mulan is the only Disney princess who even remotely stands a chance in the zombie apocalypse, she is most certainly my favorite and definitely deserving of a best girl pretending to be a guy award.

Few people have heard of this series, but Art is a female pirate constantly passing for a man. You probably haven't heard of it because only the first one was even remotely good.

Being the huge Harry Potter nerd I am, I was determined to work it in to this post. Several girls pretend to be Harry in the beginning of the 7th book using the polyjuice potion.

I wasn't a huge fan of Shakespeare in Love, but you do have to give it credit for having a girl pretending to be a guy pretending to be a girl.

If you get a chance to, read this article. It is one of the most hysterical things ever. Really? I mean, how do you not know? Seriously! It's like a TLC show packed into a magazine article, and is another fabulous example of a girl pretending to be a guy.